Coaching, Executive Presence
Ingrid Gudenas
When you're one conversation away from success

It was Valerie’s first Executive Coaching session of the new year and she was spiritless. She found out the CEO had decided to bypass her for the promotion from VP to Senior VP that she had been counting on. They wanted to bring in someone “fresh and with more experience” from the outside to be her new boss. Ugh!

Valerie got the bad news and then went out on the end of year holiday. It didn’t improve her mood.

“What’s going on?”  I asked her.

“It’s hard. It’s hard to come back. It’s hard to look forward to this new year with any optimism. I feel like I’m not being valued. My enthusiasm for what I’m doing is completely drained.”

What was really drained was her ability to communicate effectively. If you look at the above definition of causative, it’s the ability to make what you want happen. And the ONLY way to do that is through the way you communicate.

The only way to persuade is to communicate persuasively. The only way to convince is to communicate convincingly. The only way to shape reality with others is through your communication.

Coaching, Executive Presence
Ingrid Gudenas
Your most powerful tool for success in 2025

Happy New Year!

I want to share my secret. People often comment on my confidence. They think I’m always confident I’ll get the outcome I want. I don’t look at it that way.

Let me give you an example.

Coaching, Executive Presence
Ingrid Gudenas
The gift that transforms our world

Some gifts we give to enrich the lives of those we love. Presence is a gift we give ourselves that transforms our entire world and everyone in it.

Wishing you a very happy holiday with the people you love most!

Coaching, Executive Presence
Ingrid Gudenas
Holiday Family Survival Guide

The reason I’m writing about this is because of the holidays.  I’m the daughter of Lithuanian immigrants and we celebrate Lithuanian as well as American holidays. So we always get a double dose of celebrations throughout the year.

From my earliest memory, there was never a holiday dinner where someone did not get up from the table, possibly in tears or wounded silence, storm out of the room and slam the door loudly. Never.  It was not always the same person, we would rotate.

We got offended easily, and the way we handled it only made it worse.

Even so, I challenge you to find a family that loves each other more than we do.  If ever anyone said anything bad about any one of us, they were in trouble.

That’s how it used to be.

Coaching, Executive Presence
Ingrid Gudenas
The one thing that can transform every ...

Gregor had made an overnight change, both at work and at home. The results were so powerful, it turned his world inside out.

It was during the Causative Communication workshop that Gregor came to realize he only “half listened to anyone”. His mind was always moving on to “what’s next”. He was mentally halfway out of this meeting and heading to the next one no matter where he was.

At the end of the 3rd day of the workshop, Gregor made a life-changing decision. He said, “I’m going to stay fully present in every conversation. I’m going to give 100% of my focus, really listen and really understand. No shortcuts.”

How I “negotiate” with expert negotiators

Alexander: “We’re trying not to like you.”

Me: “How’s that going for you?” (Laughing)

Alexander: “Not well. Why do we like you so much?” (Laughing)

Me: “Well, I like you!”

So, that sounds like the absolute silliest conversation you’ve ever heard, right? It gets even more absurd when I tell you that it was with three of the most highly trained, most highly skilled negotiators in a large global corporation that has over 100,000 people.

They put three top negotiators up against me. They heard that we don’t give discounts. Their Procurement Division found that utterly unacceptable because they always demand deep discounts. So they put three of their best people on the call to negotiate a discount with me.

They were serious, rough, tough, brutal, cold. I would describe them as even vicious. I didn’t know people could get so mean and demanding.

Then, 20 minutes into the call, the above conversation happened.

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"It's not my nature..." and other lies you've been told

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Valeria had a problem. She’s a passionate woman and it was a passionate problem. “People don’t listen to me. They tune me out. They don’t do what I’m asking them to do. They don’t even give me a response after a while.”

“It’s not my nature to talk slow.”

It has nothing to do with her nature. If it did, I wouldn’t have been able to help her.

With a little bit of coaching, I got Valeria to adjust her velocity (think of it as her “speed”, how many words she was jamming in) so people could really understand the individual words she was saying.

An amazing thing happened. And it happened very naturally. Valeria used fewer words.

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How to give up “persuasion” for something much better

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Tim: “You’re not going to believe this. It feels weird to have everything suddenly going well.”

What is Tim talking about?

He’s talking about a change in strategy that initially seems subtle, but one that creates more power than most people have had in their lives.

To understand it you have to understand humanity and the better you understand that, the more successful you will be.

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The pure signal you send to your audience

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A man on stage plays the trumpet. The note he plays floats out over the crowd. The audience is still. Listening. Absorbed in that note. Nothing exists but that moment, that note. He gives his note everything and, as he does, so does the audience. He holds it, lets it go. The audience lets out their breath as they gently land into the silence.

When he’s not playing his trumpet, this man is a powerful force for good in a leadership position within his world-renowned organization.

He aspires to senior leadership and came to us for coaching on Executive Presence.

It turns out that what he learned about presence elevates not only his communications in the challenging professional world he inhabits, but also in his extraordinary other world as a musician.

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The attorney who “out sold” the sales team

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Daniel wasn’t supposed to say anything. He was the Corporate Attorney in the meeting between Sales and the customer they hoped to get. It was a big customer: the government of a major European country. If they signed a deal, it was going to be hundreds of millions of dollars.

He was only there because the prospective customer had initiated a strong dispute about his organization’s licensing terms.

His only charter in this meeting was to protect their intellectual property. He was there to tell this prospective customer, “No, we can’t do that”.

Daniel was fresh from a Causative Communication workshop and was watching it all go down. What he saw was painful. He could see every mistake being made, but it was his job to stay silent until the discussion about the license dispute made its way to the top of the agenda.

Finally, he couldn’t take it anymore. He thought to himself, “Well, I don’t think I can make it any worse than it already is.”

And so he jumped into the conversation. The sales team was shocked. What did the corporate licensing attorney think he was doing????????

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The singular power of self-awareness

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“They don’t want to change.”

“They’ve been doing everything the same way a long time. They’re stuck in their ways and they just don’t want to hear about any new way of doing it.”

Adira spent 15 minutes detailing events and deeds that proved how stubborn “they” were and, with a flourish, she finished with, “Perhaps I should leave and go to a different organization where they value creative thought.”

So I asked, “What would be the most ideal outcome you can imagine? What would be really wonderful if it happened?”

She looked at me as if I had lost my mind. “Wonderful?????” She spent another 5 minutes patiently explaining to me how “these people” were far from ideal, how they did not measure up to her standards, did not live up to her expectations, and how disappointing it all was.

Adira had no awareness of what she was doing. None.

She had no idea she was being critical. She thought she was being objective.

My job was to raise her awareness.

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Kalasia’s awakening

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Kalasia was a nervous wreck. She was preparing for a presentation to the CEO. Her project was at a critical decision point. The CEO and senior leadership team would decide yay or nay whether her ideas for transforming the organization would succeed, or be shelved as irrelevant.

In her initial coaching video, you could see Kalasia actually wringing her hands as she spoke. Even her voice sounded unnatural, filled with fear as Kalasia strained to project a professional composure.

Kalasia started our coaching session saying, “I’ve been recording myself, I’ve made a thousand recordings and I hate them all, I hate seeing myself on video.”

I asked her, “What is the outcome you’re going for?”

No hesitation: “To convince them.”

Struggling with the treacherously self-sabotaging purpose “to convince”, and overly focused on her gestures, Kalasia had become a powerless woman, desperate for approval and trying too hard to make her ideas sound “convincing”.

The more artificial Kalasia became, the more nervous she got.

The purpose “to convince” is a trap.

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A silent power that could move mountains

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Ruth had her mother pressed up against the refrigerator and was pushing a large knife against her Mother’s throat. Strung out by vicious crystal meth withdrawal, Ruth was screaming, “Where is your money!?” The mother was screaming back, “No! I’m not giving you any money! I gave you money for the last time. You just spend it all on drugs. I would rather die than give you any more money for drugs.”

I was on a “ride-along” with an Oakland police officer because I had been asked to deliver communications classes to the Oakland Police Academy. Since all my experience had been in the corporate world, I was there to gain experience with the types of real communications challenges they would be dealing with in their world.

In one intense week, I joined officers in investigating a homicide, chasing drug dealers, interrogating a stolen credit card suspect who swore she didn’t do it, responding to sexual abuse, talking young prostitutes off the streets and the scene in this kitchen that I will never forget.

Rich, the officer I was with, was calm. So calm, he actually created a powerful calming presence.

He spoke to Ruth. His voice was calm and filled with understanding. Rich said, “I know how you feel. It’s a feeling so horrible ripping you up inside, it would make you kill your own mother.”

There was a moment of quiet. A change was happening.

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Waking up to your audience

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I said, “Here, watch me.” And then I took George’s slide and presented it exactly the way he was doing it.

I asked, “What do you think about that?”

George, “It’s really awful.”

I said, “Now watch this.”

I presented using the exact same words, but differently this time.

Me: “What did I change?”

George: “Everything! Your body language, your tone of voice, you were leaning in, you sounded more passionate, your hand gestures, your eye contact. You were compelling, you were engaging. It was impactful, the first one didn’t feel like it had much meaning.”

I told George I only changed ONE thing. Only one. Everything that George observed were byproducts of the one thing I changed.

I asked, “Do you have any idea what that one thing was that I changed?”

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The magic of muscle memory

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For two years, Jason had been in his home office, in front of a computer monitor not more than 2.5 feet from him. The camera was close up, and everything was within arm’s reach and easily under his direct control.

Today, his presentation was “direct to camera”. The only live audience was the crew. And they weren’t paying attention. They were running around, moving equipment, ignoring Jason.

Jason scoped out the room one last time. Located the main camera, boldly connected with it and told the crew, “Hit it.”

He looked directly into the camera and smiled, an irrepressible, irresistible smile. He brought forth all of his warm, eye-twinkling charm and charisma and said, “Hi. Thank you for being here. Let me tell you what I want to talk to you about today.”

The reviews of Jason’s talk from his worldwide audience were enthusiastically positive. Employees felt drawn in, they were captivated, inspired, engaged and they really liked listening to him. The Communications Department is suddenly getting requests for “More Jason presentations please!”

I was reviewing the recording with Jason afterward and he revealed the secret to his success.

“Muscle memory.”

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When you're not a "natural" public speaker

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Thomas was one of three experts on a cyber-security panel, a media interview with a live audience televised across the world.

Thomas was looking directly into the camera, eye contact strong, executive presence strong, confidence strong, competence undeniable.

I started coaching Thomas about two years ago. The presentations he was giving back then had much less visibility. As his competence increased, he was asked to present more frequently.

When you see him now, you would say he’s a natural.

That doesn’t mean he started out that way.

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How to get a thank you note when you say "NO"

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“No, I can’t do that for you.” “No, I can’t attend that meeting.” “No, I can’t give that presentation.” “No, I can’t be there.”

No one likes to say, “No”. It’s the same when you have to give bad news.

People are basically good. They don’t like saying, “No, you can’t have that.”

Imagine you’re in a job where you have to say, “No” 37 times a day.

Such was the life of Debbie Gross, Chief Executive Assistant for Cisco’s John Chambers, one of the top, most dynamic and cover-of-every-magazine CEOs in the world, leading a mega-organization of 70,000 employees, revenues of $48 billion.

Debbie had to say, “No” to heads of state, global CEOs and a multitude of impressively pushy individuals both inside and outside Cisco.

I remember well what happened the day Debbie changed her approach after one of our coaching sessions.

Results were instant.

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The art of knowing without seeing

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Alisa had an important presentation before our second Mastering Virtual Presentation Skills coaching session. She decided to try what she learned instead of her normal routine which is to look at her notes or her slides.

Afterward, Alisa made a brilliant observation, “The results exceeded expectations. Looking into the camera made me tune into their voices, how their voices sounded.”

I asked her, “What did the voices tell you?”

Alisa said, “I could tell they were warm, receptive, interested and engaged. I didn’t need to see their faces.”

Alisa is right. Human voices, when you really tune in, tell you everything.

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Managing 12 people in a heated debate

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Teams from three companies, different time zones, were coming together to discuss supplier issues. All three anticipating an unpleasant, contentious, argumentative, blaming, confrontational series of disagreements, punctuated by complete resistance on three sides.

Valerie, the vice president I’m coaching, was one of 12 people attending.

Valerie arrived to the meeting early. And did something no one had ever done before in their previous meetings: She turned on her camera.

As each person joined one by one, Valerie greeted them warmly and used the new skills we practiced in her coaching.

One by one, they all turn their cameras on and the next thing you know they were all talking warmly with each other. Like friends, actually.

And the meeting transformed into a collaboration.

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This never happens …

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Linda was given work that was beneath her capability. When she spoke up, she was dismissed. They gave a project that belonged to her to someone less qualified. No one would talk with her and her boss kept canceling their one-on-one meetings.

Everything about her was dark. She came across like doom and gloom combined with fear, resentment and blame.

Linda decided to find out what she was doing wrong that was causing her to fail, and to discover what she could do about it.

She transformed during the coaching. Every video showed dramatic progress. New strategies. New abilities. Real personal growth. She learned how to handle not just that situation, but any conversation, any communication challenge.

After using what she learned in our one-on-one coaching program, she became radiant and compelling. The people she works with changed from cold and hostile to warm and greatly appreciative.

They pushed her into a leadership position because they wanted her there. This never happens, ever.

Manuela’s gift

Manuela lives without restraint. She loves without restraint. She gives without restraint.

Manuela grew up in El Salvador and eventually had to flee with her family due to gang violence.

Now that she has found safety in the US the smallest things make Manuela happy. Rain makes her happy. When it stops raining, it makes her happy. Flowers blooming in the spring, the smell of pine trees. Every kind of weather. Life is beautiful.

She’s not waiting for any person or politician to do anything. She chooses to create the reality she wants to live in.

The difference between facing and creating reality

People can tell you about the state of the world, what is and isn’t possible, what’s going to happen in 2022. They can tell you these things. It doesn’t make them true. They only become true when you decide they are true.

The truth of others may spoil our dreams if we follow their truths too closely. It’s only ever your own truth that ignites the spark that makes the real goodness in your life begin.

Don’t look at what other people are doing to find out what you are capable of. Your standards may be much higher than theirs.

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Being the seventh person

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Solomon Asch was a pioneer in Social Psychology. He designed and conducted a series of many experiments trying to understand individual judgment, including moral and ethical judgment, and the powers that, for better or worse, influence it.

The number of participants in the experiments varied, but often there were eight. One of them was always told they would be part of an experiment on visual judgment. This person believed the other seven people were told the same thing and were participating in the experiment on the same terms. What they didn’t know was that the other seven were all actors following a script.

It is stunning to realize that there was no instruction to conform given, suggested, or even implied. Not from the experimenter. Not from the other participants. The pressure and demand to conform came entirely and completely from the pressure the person put on themselves. They were their own executioner.

There are many, many situations in life in which each of us is the seventh person.

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Painting 2022 with your palette of dreams

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This week right now is for dreaming your 2022 into being.

2021 was all about What do I need to do to survive?

2022 does not have to be more of 2021. 2022 can go way beyond a survival endurance contest.

2022 can be about dreams that come true. Don’t look to the world for permission. There is no “Dream-Come-True Licensing Entity” that’s ever been any good.

You are your own licensing entity. You are the one who gives yourself a license to dream and to paint those dreams into reality, to make them come true. Or not.

Don’t limit your dreams by what other people dream.

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